A Letter to You, On THOSE Days...

It may sound silly, but I wrote this letter to myself years ago, when I was struggling to come to terms with some of the ins and outs of step-parenthood. I had a period of time where tensions between households were high, and I felt very trapped, and oh-so-alone. I spoke endlessly to my wonderful husband, but sometimes, it takes a fellow step-parent to know and understand the battles. And frankly, both then and now, my group of fellow SP's is thin. Hence, the birth of this letter. I've edited some of the more personal bits to apply to a wider audience, and it may not apply to everybody, but I do hope it helps you through tough times the way it has me.

Hey you...

Alright. You're having a rough day. Something happened that has to do with the kids, parenting, co-parenting, your partner, whatever. And now, you're feeling all sorts of feelings that you don't entirely know what to do with.

Sadness. Anger. Vulnerability. Fear.

IT'S OK!

Read this letter, and know that wherever you are, and whatever has happened, you are not alone. Those things you've experienced? These feelings you're struggling with? They are not abnormal. You will, I am certain, find that much of it is a sort of global truth for step-parents.

So remember, before we go any further:

You are a good parent. You love your step-children more than you knew you could. You love your partner so much it scares you. You are a solid parenting team, and you will fight for those kids to the ends of the Earth. Everything will be OK.

Got it?

Good. Let's move on to the harder bits. The sometimes beautiful, sometimes bitter realities that, at times, are lost, forgotten, or ignored:

• Step-parenting is loving a child as your own, while being constantly reminded that they are not.

• Step-parenting teaches you to love a child who has no genetic input from you, doesn't act like you, and doesn't necessarily have your value system.

• You were forced to throw away the notion that love between a child and a parent is biological. It is not. Let me repeat that: It. Is. Not.

• You may have become a step-parent before becoming a biological parent. You got thrown into the deep end without a flotation device, but you've embraced it with arguable grace.

• Being a step-parent is an extraordinary blessing, but is also an extraordinary challenge. It is by far the most difficult relationship of your life... one that teaches you a significant number of life lessons every single day... one that causes stress, and frustration... but ultimately ends in love.

• Step-parenting is wanting so badly to influence the choices of your step-children, all while understanding that you may have limited time, or limited opportunity to do so.

• Step-parenting is accepting the decisions their biological parents make for them, even if you disagree.

• Step-parenting is trying to establish some kind of normalcy in a maelstrom of chaos.

• Step-parenting is coming to terms with the stark reality that anything you promote during your time can be wiped away entirely in the times they are being parented elsewhere.

• Step-parenting is- during those tense times- learning to bite your tongue when children want to talk about their other biological parent, because it is not your place to tell them how you really feel.

• Step-parenting is trying to integrate yourself into a preexisting and now broken family, without alienating anyone or making people feel as though they must choose a side.

• Step-parenting (and this is a hard one), is accepting the fact that the law is not on your side. Your relationship with the children and your rights as a parent cannot and will not be enforced.

• Step-parenting is feeling as though you cannot afford to make mistakes, because your role and your influence will be forever observed, judged, and criticized.

• Step-parenting is hoping that the time you spend with them will leave a lasting impression- that some day they might appreciate the value you had in their life- but knowing that you cannot harbor expectations.

Now. Remember.

Remember that you knew these things before you jumped in the game.

Remember that you love your family, and that despite the odds, you'll keep on going.

Yes? Good.

So grab those boot straps. Yank 'em up. Keep holding on, holding out, and standing strong.

Here's the game plan:

• Let go of the fantasy. I know it's hard. But you knew, coming into this family dynamic, that it might be. You can dream all you want about a life in which you are just as much "Mom" or "Dad" as their biological parents. You aren't. You are another breed of parent all-together. A "bonus parent," if you will. But it isn't your place to replace parents they already have.

• Keep fighting for the important things.

• Keep loving them as if you were their mom... but understand that you have missed out on things (birth, first steps, first words, etc) and that you will miss out others. It's the nature of the game.

• Buckle down, and survive the rough patches. Push through and progress, knowing that just as surely as hard times will come, they will go.

• Understand that the loyalty bind to their parents is a real thing. A real, scientifically validated, honest-to-goodness thing. It may sometimes cause you to feel like an outsider, it may cause some heartbreak, and you may feel as though you just want to give up, give in, and let go. But don't. The best thing you can do is going to be the hardest: Accept it. Encourage it. Deal with it.

• Learn to appreciate the small stuff. If you're like me, sometimes you lose these in the big picture. Don't. Treasure them. Treasure every hug. Every giggle. Every positive. Don't let yourself get so trapped in a quagmire of negativity or false hopes that you are blind to the beauty of individual moments.

• Be open to letting go. Learn and remember that there can be enormous grace and courage in being able to do this. You have to pick your battles, and letting go is NOT giving up.

• Love them, despite all the obstacles that circumstance has put in your way.

And finally.... Be the best parent you can be.

Full stop.

Cheers,

The Evil Step-Momster